Taking life breath by breath

taking life breath by breath...

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It’s been a while.. but I am feeling so overwhelmed that I needed to just write, and let go of all the things I am feeling right now.

If you haven’t read my posts before they are pretty intense and I always ask to not be judged while you read this.  I pour my soul into my blog and I have had a lot of positive feed back.. It truly is a blessing a curse to feel so deeply about things.

You know that feeling you get in your chest when you can’t breath, your blood rushes from you head to your toes and you try everything to stand up but your knees are buckling so bad you can’t help but fall, your palms are sweaty your chest is so blood red you look like you just ran 12 miles.  It’s pretty much how my nights have been going lately.  I feel as this is an outlet for me instead of drowning myself in a bottle.. or 2 of wine, crying and wishing things were different. Because that is my usual outlet.. but instead my tears fall upon my keyboard as I lay here in my bed listening to pandora wishing that this blog was someone who would just listen and only understand how I am feeling as of right now.  Right now I’m defeated I’m disgusted and most of all I’m disappointed in allowing myself to let human beings treat me the way they do.  My chest is aching so bad that I’m hoping I can finish my whole insert into my blog tonight.  I’m sure some of you have read my previous posts but if you haven’t you’ve missed a majority of why I deal with the pain and anguish I do on a daily basis.  Depression is a terrible thing.. You probably look on the outside of my life and wonder what the fuck is she talking about..she lives a great life.. full time job.. benefits.. pretty.. smart.. outgoing/social.. but thats the amazing thing about appearance you never truly know what is going on inside or with that human being or their life.  I had to write in my blog tonight to relieve some things that have been upsetting me and angering me for about year now.  The main of these things is tonight I saw for my own two eyes.. witnessed someone who I thought truly cared about me admit that they were using me for their own good.. and that is all I was simply someone to make another person mad… that there were no feelings I was just a pawn in a game to get back at someone.  Now after what this person has done to me I take the blame upon myself because this person has done something similar to me before with the exact same person.  You would think I would learn my lesson.. but doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance (not really how I’m feeling now) but don’t they.  If someone truly has admitted their wrong (not they are wrong but their as a persons wrong doings) and poured there soul to you telling you they would give you whatever you wanted to just even have you in there life in any way.. you would forgive them right? See the problem with me is I always want to see the good in people I always want them to want me in their life as much as I want them in my life. But for me that is never the case.. I’m only good enough to be a back up.. or 2nd or matter of fact someone you use to gain something or someone for yourself.. What human being in their right mind uses another.. gets this persons emotions involved put stories in their head to keep them around until they are done doing what they do.. and people wonder why I have trust issues.. and you would think it’s because as you all say “you find these guys” or “you choose to date these guys”.. and I used to be so hard to please but now I’m not big into looks or what someone can do for me.. I just want to be treated right.. fair.. I don’t want to be the one sitting here crying over being told I’m good enough to be used. I’ve been used my whole life…I’m only good enough for someone until they get whatever they want to achieve.. whether it’s a certain fame.. or attention from whoever they want it for.. or even material things.. Do you know what it’s like to feel worthless.. to every guy you’ve ever dated.. because they only kept you around “not be lonely” or until someone else better came along.. to be the crutch that makes everything okay until its time to crush me into pieces to better yourself or make yourself feel better.  I could only wish some times that someone could even get a tenth of how I feel when things happen to me.  Being a girl I’m already sensitive but have depression on top of it.. it only makes things worse.. I’ve been prescribed medicine.. it makes things worse.. except for my anxiety… I’m so tired all the time.. Half the time when I feel like this I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I cry until it feels like my eyes are so swollen that I can barely see.  These are the things you don’t see from the outside looking in.. you would never guess.  This is why I don’t have facebook or things where everyone can see what I’m doing.. only select few.  So what does a girl do.. I don’t trust anyone.. men have never been reliable for me in my life.. even my own father.  My brother is the only one who knows whats really going on besides a couple of friends.  I sometimes feel numb I don’t really want to talk to people I just shut down.. I wish that I was that one person someone can’t let go of.. the only person they would give anything to be with and fight for to have a min to even talk to them.  I’m so saddened right now.. because this is such a nightmare.. it’s slowly killing soul and making reality really known that I’m not as important to people as I thought.  I truly think my problem is I have never had unconditionally love.. I don’t know what its like I’ve only had negative one sided love.. even from my family.  I envy those who have two supportive parents.. the ones who have the perfect boyfriends.. the ones who can have a million friends and never have a problem.. Everyone just leaves out of my life as I stated once they get what they want.   I wouldn’t wish this pain upon anyone.. it’s not a good feeling.  I try to hide and fight my own feelings because I don’t want to look weak or dramatic because I’m not.. I’m just broken.  I’m not made to be fixed.. the wear and tear on my heart and body is what in the end doesn’t kill me but makes me stronger.  But when does it end.. when can I be the only completely content with someone in my life who I truthfully know will never leave.  I guess it does come with time.. but at almost 24 years old I’m losing faith fast.  I feel like my body is 50 years old sometimes.  The side effects of depression and anxiety are horrid.  I think I’m just too far damage for someone to love someone to love..  I just hope one day that I’m good enough.. and they see it before its too late.  

just a hint to guys.. we as girls take everything we analyze it hard and most of the time these things linger in our minds and hearts.. be careful how you address a girl or her feelings because sometimes this could end up ruining her for good.  I always just tell guys would they want their mother or if they had a daughter to be treated or spoken to this way.

I believe things mend but when a mirror breaks you can’t glue the pieces back together perfectly and it still remains with cracks in it.

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why… I tend to ask myself this a lot…


….. why is it that I’m still feeling like this.. why is it that I was the one who got hurt and cheated on and he’s completely fine.. why did I never get a sorry… why after a year and some time am I still finding myself resorting to things that upset me knowing they do.. and most of all why do I still care?

I could ask myself many more questions.. this input in my blog just isn’t about my ex but multiple things in my life that I find myself asking why to. A lot of these things I will NEVER get an answer to and I think that it what bothers me the most. The unknown and the reasoning as to human beings do things so hurtful to others and can’t even take one second to tell them sorry and mean it. 

I knon you are reading this thinking “GODDAMN, is she REALLY still talking about this, does she not know how to get the fuck over things”… well I obviously don’t and you obviously have no compassion if you’re reading my blog and thinking these things/judging me.  I write this to feel better and to give others an understanding as to how I think/feel on a day where my emotions are just to much that I have to write them down.  I’ve never been really good explaining my emotions to people in person, but writing them down sets me for for just a little while.

If you all haven’t read my other posts then I’ll give you another insight on what I’ve been dealing with the past year or so… I was engaged, I got abused (physically and mentally), I was cheated on, was told to fuck off, been dealing with depression and all that comes with it, tried moving on but can’t, I’ve been in emotional ties with people I would love to beat the shit out of, and most of all a lot of alcohol. 

People would never guess how deep of a person I am, but I am.  My heart yearns for another human being to understand and love me as I am.  Ever since I was little I’ve dreamed of this fairy tale love.. the kind of love you see in movies, the kind of love you read/write about.. and the kind of love my grandparents have through 50 plus years of marriage.  I know you think I’m crazy or stupid but I thought I had this about 3 years ago.  I met this guy we became best friends did everything together.. we both loved cars, and laughing and being stupid, and finallly I asked him what we were.. we both loved each others company SO much that I didn’t want to stand him spending time with someone else.. to me he was perfect.  We started dating on the day my cousin got married and I actually caught her bouquet that day. Sorry if it takes me a min to write this part I’m crying because I’m so sadden that I have to say this was.. or we were or anything with past tense because it should have never been this way and it hurts my feelings. On this day I knew, I just knew this boy would change my life forever.  When I had NO friends, wasn’t speaking with my mom, was depressed because of things going on in my life… he was all I had.  I was such a lucky girl to think my boyfriend is my best friend.. I couldn’t stop thinking about him I wanted to spend every waking moment with him I wanted to sleep beside him and wake up in the morning… I needed his presence.. I needed him. I mean we finished each others sentences and could even know what each other was thinking.  Now like all other relationships time goes back you still love everything about that person but you become a little more comfortable and care free and you both start doing some things on your own and know that you come home to each other at night or are going to see each other as soon as each other is done with whatever you are doing.  Usually after people get engaged things get back to how they were and you are more excited to spend the rest of your life with someone… but not me.. I was confused I had everything planned and he just seemed more and more like he was slipping away and becoming someone I had never knew.. this guy I had fell in love with.. madly in love with.. started changing and shutting me out of his life.. every time I gave him a little more space he seemed to take it then run back to me missing me.. I just figured we had been together you know people just get a little scared or nervous of how they feel or of this huge commitment.. I wasn’t scared.. I was ready to be with him the rest of my life.. and he used to tell me all the time “Josie I love you I will never leave you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I’ll never hurt you or break your heart I swear”… if that wasn’t the biggest pile of bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life.  I noticed things in our relationship were getting worse.. he was yelling at me.. telling me how trashy or whore-ish I looked in dresses or certain clothing.. he would get in my face and yell at me… pushed me.. and even jerked me up one night in public at a bar and told me I was going home with him.. when I was sober and drinking water just so I could be downtown for my friends birthday.  Then as more time went by he started going out more and doing things with out me.. he started more fights and even almost through his phone at me one day for finding a twitter account I had made (I wasn’t allowed to have facebook or anything while i was with him) he made an ass of himself and broke his phone like an idiot on his console of his car.  A couple months later he got into the police academy I was so excited for him.. I was called and told private investigator how wonderful of a person he was and that I loved him and couldn’t picture my life without him. He was happy I helped him with his homework and everything.. not knowing that him going to the academy would be the end of us.  I just learned about the next thing I’m about to tell you.. but he met someone in the academy.  I had no idea.. he was cheating on me with her the whole time he was in there.. so a good 6 months of cheating.. (and I just learned this)… Now I know you all know the rest of the story.. but when I said why all I got was a FUCK OFF JOSIE.


someone who I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with just completely ruined my trust.. crushed my soul and my heart at the same time.. and all he could say was fuck off?  This forever has changed me and I used to think might have been the death of me.

If you feel no remorse for me then you have no soul.  I am one of the kindest, thoughtful, sensitive people you will ever meet.

so why? why after over a year do I think about this? Why can’t I just “fuck off” and get the fuck over it?  I mean I’m over him I never want to be with him again but WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL CARE.  Why when I see him do I get this big bulge in my throat where I feel like I want to cry, scream, do anything.  Why does that feeling I felt that day carry over into certain situations.  Every time I try to start something with someone if i don’t feel that feeling I felt for him I give up.. every time someone says something hurtful I resort back to what he has done.  I know I cannot compare other guys to him but I want that feeling again… I want to love indescribably and be in euphoria with my best friend where nothing in this world can touch me?  I’m worried I’ll never find this again..I’m worried what he has done to me has ruined me.. ruined me from love. It really scares me that I am going to end up alone.. please don’t laugh.. It’s a phobia of mine.  That I’ll end up with all my family dead and no other half no soul mate to comfort me.. and I’ve seen it happen.  I’ve seen women who are beautiful inside and out, great careers, so caring and completely lovable.. end up alone… no children no nothing. I was watching katy perry’s document the other day and started crying because she too has this dream of this “unrealistic love” and she also is a hopeless romantic… like myself.   I know you all think I’m crazy or I need to lower my standards.. but I don’t.. and I never will.  What he has done has changed me in so many ways I don’t think anyone will ever understand how I feel.  If you haven’t felt what I’ve felt you have no idea.  I feel like this lost soul wandering around on this hell of an earth.. and even when there’s a room full of people I feel more alone than ever.  No one seems to relate to me except the few good friends I have.. No guy ever understands my reasoning’s for things… Like why I don’t like having sex unless were exclusive.. even if we’ve talked forever.. or why I shun people out when they get too close.. or why I stop talking to you when you make one comment that seems to rub me the wrong way… I’M SCARED. I’m scared of being hurt again I’m scared of being let down.. fuck I’m so scared that I’ll never be able to love again that I just kinda let it disappear.  Ever since I was a child people esp men have let me down in my life… my dad, my guy friends, my boyfriends.. all of them… all of them were supposed to never hurt me and they did.. and still continue to.  I know people think I need to change.. but why? Why should I have to fucking change? I love who I am as a person why change it or put on a fake front to get someone? I may not be the most lady like or the most beautiful or the most intelligent girl but I know there are things about me that guys would love… and not just my physical appearance.. thats another thing that bothers me.. I’m so sick of guys wanting me for just my body.. and now your thinking well dont dress like that or dont do the things you do…. but other girls do it.. and act wayyyyy worse than I do.. whats wrong with dressing up… anything I will ever wear will show my shape unless I dress like a nun which I guess I should start doing… maybe a lot of girls would not hate me as much either.  FUCK THAT. I am who I am and I feel like I have nothing I need to change about me… I am who I am through life experiences, hardships, and good times.   I’ve kind of gotten off topic here but where we were at

hopeless crazy romantic love.

I want this… more than anything. I sound stupid.. so what I want to be able to feel that again without being scared, I want to let someone in without thinking they are going to leave, I want someone who is going to promise things and mean them. I want everything he wasn’t.. but I want the way I felt with him.  I want notes on my car.. and flowers for no reason.. I want to have a surprise dinner made for me and him there to talk to me no matter whats going on or for how long.  I want to introduce him to my family and know that he’s gonna stay around.  I want sweet, cute, caring.  I want to be able to fall in love again.. unconditional, best friend, forever and ever, growing old together love. 

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forever alone..

ah what do I begin to say to start this.. after all these months and up to a year of being by myself I feel more alone then ever.  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.. I’ve made more friends, spent more time on family, and mostly I’ve been learning to love myself.  But it’s not enough.. it’s never enough.. You know I think I’m more or less upset at the fact that I’m sitting here on a sunday night almost in tears because my nerves are making me crazy and my stomach is killing me.. but thats not the real reason. I feel abandoned… I feel so fucking abandoned it’s not funny.  Now you’re probably wondering why I feel abandoned when I have such great friends and family.. it’s not that.  When you read my blogs I expect you not to judge since you personally decided to read my thoughts and feelings and meet the real “me”.   I don’t want pity from anyone either… In march it will be exactly a year since I’ve been single… by myself.. alone.  Now your thinking well what the fuck is wrong with that? whats wrong with it is my cheating ex fiance is happy.. completely fucking happy with some girl he cheated on me with.. glad to have me out of his life and its been a year with no fucking sorry or even communication.  I guess I’m mad or out of my mind.. because I do not want him back by any means and I promise you that.  But why does some cheating, abusing, lying scum of the earth get to be happy.. and I still have my nights where I cry myself to sleep.  Honestly, I’m still hurt.. and this is probably the most I have ever loved myself in a long time but I’m fucking broken.. still.  I want to feel loved and needed.. my whole life I’ve been an adult.. dealing with things I never should have dealt with as a child and since I have always been taking care of others before my damn self and it’s ruined me.  I put feelings into people I can never get back.  Broken hearts to not heal that just ignore what has happened to hurt yourself so badly.  Last night I was sitting in a bar feeling sick because I ate something that made my stomach really upset.. and all my friends where there. I sat down thinking.. I just wanna go home I want someone to rub my stomach and run their hands through my head and say heyyy your tummy will feel okay I promise.. I know this sounds completely fucking stupid.. but I needed that.. last night.. and sometimes I need “that”…. someone who wants to take care of me.. someone who needs and wants me to feel better.. not just me caring about everyone else.  I’ve been on dates and I’ve talked to a couple of guys but I’m so damaged i get to a certain point where one thing they do will make me just give up.. because it is SOOOOOO much easier to hide my heart conceal it and never show feeling then it is to put myself out there, put my whole self into someone, give them part of myself, and eventually just end up throwing it away because they just stop talking to me.. or the famous line “don’t want a girlfriend” or “a relationship”.. and the funny thing is you think I would be upset because I wanted to be the girlfriend I wanted the relationship.. but I am soo used to being fucked over that now I’m numb.. get rejected or let down is a normal feeling.  it’s sad.. and the funny thing is I don’t hook up or do anything with these guys because I know it would probably happen faster.. I guess when most guys find out they aren’t getting in my pants they drop the line of not wanting a relationship but would love a friends with benefits.. (knowing I’m not that kind of girl)  You know if most guys knew that one text message can make a girls day.. or one little something to let her know they are thinking of them things would be a lot easier.. instead of lying, telling the truth, instead of ditching, just saying hey I’m sorry I’m busy when can I make it up to you, or even a phone call after knowing a girl has had a long day just to see if she had a good day at work.. things would be a lot easier.. and guys are always so quick to say “oh you’re attracted to assholes.. you don’t date nice guys”… and I’m fucking sick of that pity shit to because you know what.. I can’t help that I am physically attracted to certain physical features.. if you aren’t physically attractive to me it wont work.. and this is 99% percent of people who would agree with me one this.   I take pride in myself and I’m so goal oriented and I have so many things that I want in life that I cant just be attracted to anyone it’s not in my nature.. I’ve always strived for the best and I know what I deserve.  But back to what I was saying.. I am alone.. and honestly I am starting to feel as if I will never have that butterfly in my stomach all the time deep passionate love ever again. . and it does scare the shit out of me to grow old and the possible thought of being by myself.  If you think I’m crazy I am and you obviously have no read my other passages in this blog.  But the other night when I came home from the bar being sick I came home held my stomach put pandora on and starting crying… not just laying in bed alone crying.. the screaming crying that you normally hear when someone is in a lot of pain… the kind of cry where your soul is hurting and wants to escape this form of life called a human being body.  It was random but most of all I felt like I needed it..  it has been a while since I cried.  I felt like my stomach ate my heart… it was a very emotional break down.  I tried to text a couple people few answered the rest texted me with snide fucking comments because I guess I’ve wronged them without ever doing anything.  As much as people wish they can “change themselves” or dig themselves out of depression.. it is NOT easy. I cannot stress this enough.. depression really is like that little cloud that follows you around.. just not as cute and not as fun as it looks. I have been very positive lately.. more that usual so I am happy about this but my depression follows every where.. work, home, when im out, when Im driving.. everywhere.  It’s deff hitting hard at work.. because to build clientele you must seem happy or atleast sane.. and being one of the most hated people from where I’m from noone wants me to do their hair or even associate with me.  thats why I have tried to hard to be nicer to others… and I’m not a mean person I just don’t open up so it’s hard to make friends and in my case build a clientele that is mostly all female.   I have found in the past few months how others feel about me.. ugly, fat, unattractive, drunk, crazy, a bitch, slut, and most of all unliked. What do I do? I can’t make anyone like me.. I can’t put time into changing others opinions about me nor do I care too.  So what do I do.. remain alone and have no success.  These two things are really bothering me.. on top of guys I have actually attempted to talk to.  I don’t chase anymore.. I don’t even make effort to text most of the time.. if you want to talk to me you will.. but now I’m finding that this is turning guys away too.  So what do I do.. I’m stuck.. with so many things.. and don’t say don’t go looking because I DON’T and NEITHER DO I MEET THEM IN BARS.  I’m stressed out.. I’m angry.. I’m hurt and most of all I’m confused and pissed off at so many things that could be so right when it’s wrong.  I’m happy with who I am as a person.. I have changed soooo much and only seen such little result.  While I was the one who was wronged I’m the one whose still stuck by myself.. with out anyone by my side.. and feeling like this.  While my cheating ex fiance gets to lay and love on his girlfriend that I got cheated on for and not feel a care in the world.  Like I never mattered.. like my feelings as a human being were nothing.  years being together almost every day.. helping him with his career.. giving him me, all of me.. to just get abused cheated on.. tossed in a fucking ditch and left for dead.. and he gets to sleep carelessly at night and not loose one wink of sleep.  Why? I want to know why is it that he (the bad person) gets to be so happy with his life and I (the abused person in every aspect) gets to sit here a lone and write in a blog for people to read so they know how I really feel because I have to put on a front for soo many other things to work. I’m exhausted mentally I can barely sleep and I don’t know what to do anymore.. maybe I stress too much.. maybe I’m meant to be alone forever..maybe this is whats supposed to happen.. but I thought I would be a lot happier if this is how life is supposed to be.  I know life isn’t fair and I don’t expect a fairy tale love story.. I’m a realist.. people annoy each other they hurt each others feelings every once in a while and I know that no one is absolutely perfect.  Part of me wants to pack up everything I can fit in a uhaul and drive away.. I’m sick of seening the same scene.. not being able to go places worrying I’m going to get the fighting with some girl who can’t even take care of her baby but she’ll gladly talk shit to me.  I understand I am not the most likeable person at times but GODDAMNIT I have feelings… I cry.. I laugh.. I get sad.. i get mad can we have a little respect considering my blood runs through my veins just like yours. I am a good hearted person. I would drop everything for my friends.. do anything for them or my family.  I would take being sad over seeing my friend sad.. I would honestly take their feelings away of anger or sadness if I could. I would give the world to most anyone who needed it if i could.  and unfortunately I am one of “those” girls.. the girl who tries not to wear her heart on her sleeve.. but its there no matter what.. the one who puts everyone elses happiness before her own.. the girl who works her ass off for anything see wants.. the girl who tries to see the good in people even though everyone says how bad they are.. the girl who is pretty yet is so insecure in so many aspects of life its not funny.. and most of all I am the girl that feels alone in this world fill with 932482973921839 billion people.

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I’m letting you in please don’t judge..

As you all know I have been going through a lot these past couple of months in my life.  I find it comforting to write and get my feelings out even if it does show my weaknesses.  I have an ever lasting battle with depression.. and It doesn’t seem to be getting any better.  I have learned I have much more people who hate me than those who love me.. friends aren’t really friends and the people you expect the most to not lie in your life do.  I’m greatly disappointed with many aspects of my life..and I know what you’re thinking “change it”.  It’s not that easy.. way easier said than done. I’m so negative about things in my life that a lot and most people don’t even want to be around me.  Put things in front of me and I can tell you all the things wrong with it before I can tell you one good thing about it. It is so funny to me that people see me and are so quick to judge me.  I feel as if I try so hard to prove to people that I’m a good person that I’ve actually stopped trying to make friends because they all accuse me of one thing or another.  It’s not that I hide my depression I just try to look strong when actually I’m far more weak than I am strong.  I’ve dealt with depression since I would say beginning of middle school.  I was never really accepted into social scenes, a lot of girls and guys found it great to make fun of me and do things that would actually cause harm to me. I remember in middle school a girl hated me so much she decided to kick my locker into my head as I was in it on the bottom row trying to get my books out.  One never forgets the things that has caused them harm.. throughout my middle school and high school career I’ve been called horrible things and pushed around until I got until 10th grade and I decided that I allowed these people to say these things and I started to finally stand up for myself. My mom used to tell me if you fight and get into a fight make sure you beat her ass or I’m gonna beat your ass again when you get home. Since then when I get in confrontation girls either back down or get there ass beat.  As an adult now I really don’t like confrontation esp physical because I’m a very angry person and when you think I’ve beat someone to their blue I’m still not happy and keep going.  Back to my depression.. as a younger girl who wasn’t very pretty as I said I was made fun of a lot.. I used to cut myself… as I said I really hope you don’t judge because as I see a lot of people thinks its great to laugh at others illnesses and misfortune.  As a middle schooler and having the mentally of wanting to die.. its pretty serious.  When I got older I found it comforting to drink or take xanax to ease what I couldn’t seem to get rid of.  This terrible ache in my chest that makes me scream when I cry.. the feeling where I just want to waste away and not be hear anymore because I don’t feel like I’m an important piece in this thing we call life. People say “your so pretty”.. “you have friends”.. “you have a career and bright future”.. I’m glad you all can see it because I’m blind.  Another thing that greatly affects my depression is the fact that everyone I have grown close to or loved in this life time have left me.. left me alone when I needed them.. left me for dead.. and the sad thing is most of these people won’t even acknowledge my presence in public.  I sometimes sit in my car and cry in my driveway because I feel hopeless.. and as hard as I try to explain to people my depression they can’t seem to understand.  I never knew how terrible of a disease this is and I’m not going to let it kill me even though it’s come close.  I get sad looking at pictures and things that mean so much to me but obviously they are things of the past where nothing can be rekindled or fixed.  I don’t understand why people have so much hate towards me when most of them have never even been introduced to me or had a conversation with me. I just want a normal life.. no depression, great relationships with friends and guys, a normal family.. but I know this is never going to happen.  Before i started dating my ex fiance my close friend or actually best friend had exclaimed to me and my “friends” that she was dating him.. when in actuality she had 3 other dudes she was with… Well when I started hanging out with my ex fiance we were just best friends.. we enjoyed spending time together we did everything together and made each other laugh like no other.. all of these so called “friends” envied what I had with him and accused us of being together when we weren’t.. my “bestfriends” started a horrible rumor telling people I was a whore and had sex for money and I had HIV.  They posted it on facebook twitter everything.. People were actually asking me if I had HIV.. it was the most painful thing in my life.. my exfiance and I started dating and this girl told him this too and he looked at me in tears saying if I have HIV I’m gonna kill you.  As a girl I was devastated people though I had an std and not only an std a STD THAT KILLS AND EATS YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM. (which I have no stds btw) I go to the doctor every 6 months and get my birth control refilled and get checked even if I havent had any relations with people like that. I lost a lot of people in my life due to this rumor.. I lost my group of friends, guy friends, people even looked at me and whispered things about me when I was around.  At this point in my life I wanted to kill myself.. but my ex made things better.. he explained how wonderful of a person I was and how people were jealous of my beauty and spontaneous personality.  But even after this rumor my ex was really “cautious of me” and got controlling and abusive later down the road.. I stayed with him because he was all I had. He was my bestfriend, my only friend, and who I thought was the love of my life.  I’m sitting here wanting to cry because I have yet to understand why people love to see me hurt. I just want to yell “YOU WIN” “YOU’VE SUCCEEDED IN MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL” “ARE YOU HAPPY”. I understand I shouldn’t post my emotions on facebook and I’m sorry if people think the things I post are personal most of the time they aren’t.. I’m sorry if I’m a nuisance or someone who annoys you and your life.  That seems to be the trend with me nowadays.. it’s like I’m the person people cannot wait to get rid of in their life.  I mean my ex fiance and friends have done it and have moved on to things better than me.  I feel like a disease to people and I’m making their lives horrible.  People hate to see me happy at any point in my life and I guess thats what I deserve.  When that girl posted that I was annoying and a desperate bitch I just was numb.. and thats when I messaged her and thinking she would be an adult about things but obviously she couldn’t be in the first place if she posted my status and called me that where i couldn’t even see it.  It blew up into this totally unproportional thing last night.. to the point where the bashing of me went to extremes.. calling me fat and ugly and saying i had cankles I was a whore and betting with money to want to beat my ass.  I thought we were adults here? One of these girls actually has a child? and I actually considered one of these girls a friend.  I supported her when she needed me to come out and get her business when shes working I get my friends to see her and this is how she see’s me?  I’m 21 I thought this ended after highschool the bashing and trying to belittle others and making them feel as if they are a nobody. Yea she hurt my feelings.. she succeeded… she made me feel like shit about myself even more than I already did.  This is why girls have eating disorders and why they want to hurt themselves and run away.  I refuse to let this notch in my road stop me but It still hurts kind of sets me back and brings back the memories of middle school and how bad it was.  I try to think before I speak in a lot of situations because you never know what someone has been through.  And if you’ve read my blog before you know I’ve been through a lot.  I really don’t want sympathy or you to feel bad for me.. I write as I said to make me feel better and to give people an insight into things in my life dealing with depression. As that girl exclaimed “you make me so thankful that I’m so happy in my life”.. just remember that sometimes words hurt worse than physical actions when you’re speaking to someone. that you don’t know everyones path in life and what they are going through or have been through.  I feel that God does NOT want me to deal with depression but this is how he is molding me into the person I need to be in life and in the end I will be stronger and successful.  If you’re reading this I hope you are getting jsut a little insight and feeling what I go through on a daily basis.  I cry a lot.. I judge myself a lot.. I’m akward and insecure in certain situations. and not a day goes by that I wish I didn’t have to deal with all of this emotion.  But I guess it gives me some kind of character.   But it’s never okay to laugh at the pain or anger of another person.  I pray to God every night that things get better.. and through faith I believe it will.

Also lately I’ve been having a hard time with guys.. I know all of you say HOW?! ARE YOU CRAZY? LOOK AT YOU? .. yea look at me I’m a fucking wreck. lol I’m just trying to laugh a little as I’m writing such a serious blog on a serious topic.  It’s really and genuinely hard to get close to someone now.. really really hard.  I understand that guys my age do not want a relationship but neither do older guys. This also discourages me and sets me back with my depression.. I go out with a guy and we hang out a couple times I end up starting to like them.. then they disappear. and wont respond to anything I send them.  I try to just text them and figure as to why they aren’t interested.. most don’t respond. But hey my ex never gave me closure or told me why he didn’t want to be with me after nearly 3 years he just told me to fuck off and leave him alone.  This aspect of my life is probably the most disappointing. I cannot get or keep a relationship and I honestly see that I do nothing worth not wanting to be with me. I don’t cheat, I don’t lie, I don’t put my relationship on the line. I try my best to make others happy before I even make myself happy and it never seems good enough even when it comes to my so called “friends”.  I just really would love to be in love with me.. just loves my presence..who I am as a person.. accepts my flaws including my depression and extreme mood swings… I love when a guy opens car doors and sends flowers or puts a note on my car. simple things I dont need material possessions.   It’s just disappointing to me to even try to talk to men.. I’ve been letting them find me and they’re worse than the ones I find myself :( I just want to be loved you know.. have a bestfriend and a love again. I miss that.. I still cry over my ex not because I miss him but everything reminds me of him.. atleast once a day I see or hear or do somethings that used to pertain to him.. He’s in another relationship they were talking while him and I were still trying to fix us. I guess its easier to throw me away. as I said earlier like a disease one just ones to get rid of so bad.  If anything I want people to learn from my blog and get a different insight to at “pretty girl” “a girl who seems to have everything”.  I love to blog and there will be plenty more to come. thank you for taking the time to read and understand who I truly am as a human being. 

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"if you say one more thing about this kid, I’m gonna go find him and beat his ass.."

I made this my picture for my blog today because its exactly how I’m feeling.. Last night I had this crazy crazy dream when I finally passed out after 3am.  It started with me and one of my best friends going to dinner in my dream I didn’t even seem to be aware of my surroundings just knew I was at a restaurant with my bestfriend.  All of a sudden in my dream my ex walks in with another girl and sits at a table right beside me.  The girl in my dream is loudly talking about me sitting at the table beside them and how unattractive I am and how I’m not even his type and what did he see in me.  In my dream I kept my mouth shut until this girl decided she wanted to push my drink over and I got up from the table and said “what the fuck is your problem, you were talking shit about me the whole fucking time I was eating dinner and your sitting with my ex so wtf?” this girl looks like shes about to fight me when she suddenly looks at me and says “you two deserve each other”.. at this point I’m like this bitch is nuts and I said excuse me.. she goes “Josie he tells me in secret that he misses you and thinks about you and cries over you all the time”..all of a sudden I look in the back of the restaurant and on one side its all of his friends and on the other side its all of my friends… instantly his and my friends start shouting things like “Josie tells me she cries to sleep” and his friends go “he cries behind doors, he says he misses her and still loves her”.  At this moment I’m thinking what a fucked up surprise party… and my ex turns to me with this about to cry look in his face and goes “I’m sorry”… then I’m woken up by my anxiety because of my dream and instantly start breathing heavily with this deep feeling in my throat like I wanted to cry but I was still half asleep so I couldn’t.  So I woke up with this huge tension head ache this morning because my body was so tensed up after having that dream.  Even thought this sounds weird but usually my ex sleeps like that.. he has a dreams and wakes up gasping for breath and wakes up with like a neck headache… almost makes me feel like he couldn’t sleep last night either.  My ex and I were always together and even when we were thinking the same.. acting and feeling the same and sometimes even wanting to do the same thing.  My ex would text me the same exact thing I would text him at the same time.. we would be listening to the same song or even going to the same place at the same time.  It was almost like we had become the same person because we were together so much.  I guess thats why I’m so lost still.. I’m feeling upset and he probably is too.. but I want an apology and he wants nothing to do with that.  So what do I do.. Keep ruining great things with other guys because I cannot get over my last engagement until I get closure.  What is so wrong with wanting closure?  I mean everyone says him kissing and shit all over another girl should be enough closure for you.. but to be honest all that did was make me not like him and almost hate him… I want answers.. or atleast a “hey I don’t give a fuck about you in person”.. I learned of something the other day that could ruin his career as being a police officer.. all I had to do was email or call henrico county.. but you know what I didn’t.. because as much as am beginning to hate my ex.. I don’t want this karma to come back on me and the longer it takes for karma to catch up to him the bigger the karma is going to be.  You know I told his private investigator that he was an amazing guy.. never argued.. never put me down.. never got a bad temper or broke things… when I was completely lying.. not because it was the truth but I was lying.. lying because I didn’t want to lose my ex or have him yell at me and also I never would want someone to stop me from my future.. now I’m regretting this… because I practically gave someone control of people and a gun and I know hes going to use it to his complete advantage. I honestly thinks he still reads this which is sad to say if he does.. because he probably laughs at things that are in here when deep down he knows that its the truth.  That he changed and not in a good way.. this is why I can’t get over this.. I can’t get over change.. what do you do when someone whose been your best friend your buddy your lover your one and only for so long… atleast on my part.  everyone tells me that i wasn’t his because if I was he would know what he was doing was wrong… completely wrong.  I’m so proud of myself.. I haven’t spoke to him or even wanted to.  I have this gaping hole in my chest that I’m trying to find anything to fill it with.. whether its alcohol, other guys, food, shopping.. and nothing seems to be working.. I’m thinking this spot is meant to be open for whoever comes next and realizes how hurt I’ve been and understands that I’m simply broken.  As I stated in previous blogs.. I can’t open myself up to other guys or even hook up with other guys because 1. I don’t want to get hurt and 2. I still can’t picture myself being physical with another guy.. even though I don’t even or wouldn’t hook up with my ex anymore because of that disgusting scene at the bar that one night.  Kissing a girl he knows nothing about.. maybe they had been hanging out longer than I thought which in that case he was still talking to me and telling me he loved me and sending me pictures.. It took me almost two months to start officially dating my ex and hooking up with him.. and he could just kiss and hug and love all over some other girl that maybe he had known for a couple weeks?

I’m sorry I’m rambling.. I just can’t get over all of the bad shit he’s done to me..I literally ask myself everyday what have I done to deserve to have a male treat me like a door mat.. like the scum of the earth.  I secretly think that he hated me deep down inside and he did all of this just to hurt me intentionally.  It sucks because I have great guys taking me out and hanging out with me and doing everything in their might to make me smile every second of their day… and trust me I appreciate this but I think I need a real goodbye a real ending to my huge chapter in my life until I can learn to appreciate this even more. I will never get it what makes people not think that they’ve not done a damn thing wrong or see how much hurt they’ve caused to others.  I think I may start going to church.. I feel as this would help me spiritually to over come things.  I didn’t drink all weekend and I actually am pretty sure I had that dream because i saw my ex downtown this weekend.. and of course he acted like he never even knew me.. which in reality we knew each other very well.. we did things for each other we would never do for anyone else.. we shared secrets and trusted each other with things we never would with anyone else.. we loved and cared deeply for one another (at one point).. when either of us were crying or in pain we used to care for one another.. and most of all we were each others other half.. bestfriends… which was once best friends forever.  He may not want to remember that.. but I do.  Even though we will NEVER BE TOGETHER EVER AGAIN.. I still want to remember.  I’m still healing and I know I have a lot to do but I cannot wait to be with someone else. <3 and honestly I just want to be over this and I’ll be okay not even with someone just yet but just okay with the whole situation and it completely ending.

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"I’m not bitter, I’m just mad as hell".

I can’t eat nor can I sleep and I’m binge drinking to the point of where I’m physically making myself ill.  I guess I have my highs and lows.. but this week has been an all time low.  I’m moody, I’ve been sick, and I’m taking everything out on everyone else. I guess this is how I’m supposed to be after being with someone for so long and getting treated like complete shit.  Everyone keeps saying “drop it and get the fuck over it” I have people physically yelling at me that they don’t want to hear about this anymore.. so what do I do.. stay inside and just sleep for the next how many years it makes me to feel better?  I mean what am I supposed to do.. just break down and go get on medicine…  this week has been awful.  My mom tells me she has diabetes, my grandmother is really ill, and I’m hearing shit about my ex I don’t want to hear.  Why can’t people just understand that I’m all alone in this.. seriously.. I mean I tell my friends and they understand but as much as they want to listen.. they really don’t because they hate him. I’m beginning to tell myself I hate him too.. as much as I don’t want to hate anyone I’m hating what hes done to me.. he’s made me insecure, fragile, and a complete wreck.  Some days I don’t know what is right from left because I’m too busy trying to make myself somewhat happy.  My family seems to be helping a lot to but it sucks being the only family member that can’t keep a stable relationship… or even get one.  I look at my cousins and how they’ve been in relationships with there best friends for at least 4 years.. I can only imagine how it is to be happy and in love and never wanting to leave it.  I was with my ex for a long time but we fought.. he started being shitty towards me putting me down.. I guess this is who I have to thank for all my negativeness.  Why can’t people just see that my feelings are hurt and my personality just won’t allow me to let go of this… I just want to know why?  Why is it okay to get treated like shit and have nothing done about it?  why can he go on and do what he wants without an once of guilt in his system for putting someone into such a deep depression? I’m getting really tired of people telling me I will never know this answers.. but you know what I won’t stop writing until I do… Or at least until I get a sincere apology.  I think I’m worth 2 seconds of someones breath to get told sorry to.  I constantly ask myself why I feel like this.. I know that I’m pretty.. I know that I’m a nice girl.. but I never feel good enough.. for anyone or anything.  I spend most of my nights trying to fall asleep or binge drinking until I have to.  It’s getting to the point where I feel like I’m in that movie “The Lucky One” where shes stuck and can’t do anything.. except I don’t have my Zack Efron.   I’m just praying that you all are reading this and feeling my pain.. don’t feel bad just know where I’m coming from and know that its not a good place.  I just want to be happy and I want you all to see that I’m trying.. I really am.  As long as you all keep reading and responding then I know I’m making somewhat of a difference in my life to get complete strangers to read this.  Some days I would settle for a letter even if it just said sorry on my car.  Cause then I know what I was heard.. but a big huge part of me knows that I WILL NEVER get any closure from my past relationship.. that’s what won’t stop hurting.

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Why am I still broken..

^this was one of our first pictures together and when we had made things “facebook official”

^this was one of the first nights with our puppy.

What the hell is wrong with me… I go from 0 to 30000000 in 1.5 seconds.  I wish I could just fix my heart and say “hey shits dead get the fuck over the shit in the past”… I guess I’m just upset because I never got closure.. Instead I was told to “fuck off”.. I’m guessing that was meant in the nicest way possible… NOT.  I was doing soooo well until yesterday when my body decided it wanted to be selfish and cry for almost 3 hours.. out of no where.  I’m guessing its just built up emotion and my subconscious putting my body through hell.  It’s my reminder of “HEY SHIT CANNOT BE GOING SO WELL FOR YOU.” During my 3 hours of crying I decide I’m gonna go through my pictures and things.. which was a BIG mistake!  I’ve been so strong I’ve been happy but when your depressed things literally come out of nowhere even when your at your happiness.  It’s like those commercials with the cloud.. it goes to the side or wherever until it feels like just pouring shit on you.  So of course I put pandora on sad love songs because for some reason in my fucked up head I thought this would some what make me feel better.  FOR THE RECORD .. I DO NOT want to be with my ex.. I don’t even want to speak to him for that matter unless its for closure.  I think I just really needed closure for that long, loving, troublesome, period in my life.  I mean he was there for a lot of hardships in my life.. Me losing all my friends.. me getting ridiculed for dating him.. me getting kicked out of my house.. having to get rid of my dog.. me losing my cat.. and so much more.  Like I said before I would gladly drop everything if he would just tell me in person.. hey I don’t give a shit about you.. your a whore.. I don’t want to speak to you or have anything to do with you.. I don’t care about what we had.. you aren’t shit to me.. etc etc etc.  If he could tell me these things in person.. it may hurt.. but it would make me more angry at him than I already am.  What does one do when you don’t just lose your man.. but your man was your bestfriend.. I mean seriously.  People are telling me to get over this.. Well I’m over wanting to be with him at all.. I think thats a wonderful fucking step.. a huge one.. considering I would give into him every time he came back and acted like he truly gave 2 shits about me.  I’m one of those people that has to know why things happened.. they can’t just happen there is always a reason.. a reason as to why he lied, probably cheated, hurt me, and so much more.  Knowing these things would make me feel like a new person.. and completely get over this chapter of depression in my life.  I keep telling myself that I’m a good person with a huge heart and he doesn’t deserve a faithful, smart, beautiful, person like me.. and he doesn’t.  But why couldn’t he see what he had and everyone else can.  I’m one of those people that dwell on the past and I’m so negative I’m truly trying to work on this.  But you really don’t realize how happy some points in your life were until you look at pictures.. which sometimes is a bad thing like in my case yesterday.  I loved seeing me smile and all the wonderful quotes I had wrote on the picture like I was in middle school again and getting to see my huge crush while walking to the bus and them smile or wave or say hey.  I like seeing things that made me giddy, giggle, have butterflies, things that used to make me happy even if they aren’t here anymore.  Lately I’ve wondered how my puppy is doing.. I had to get rid of him when I moved out my mothers and my ex couldn’t take him.. I loved that dog and I miss him terribly.  He was such a cute puppy he was so fat and lovable as hell.  I miss my bella.. my beautiful all white kitten that used to lay on my chest as I would ball my eyes out before my ex.. and even after and when we were together.  I would cry and just look at her and she would do these short little meows like “mom its okay” “don’t cry mom”… I miss that fucking cat so much. (now I’m crying) shit.  It’s like when no one else was there my cat was as weird as that sounds she cuddled with me and would wake me up with a rub in the morning.. I taught her tricks it was almost like she was a dog.. she was sooo smart.  I’m one of those people that hate change.. I absolutely hate it.  It makes me so anxious and upset its not even funny.  I wish things were still around that were around when I was younger.. like fucking ukrops.. even stupid things give me anxiety.  It’s a cursed to have anxiety esp now that I have deepened in my depression and low parts of my life.  I cry when I even think about these things because I feel selfish as fuck.. some people don’t have anyone or anything to show that’s theirs or is in their life.  Some people don’t have a house, car, family, food, water, the essential things and life. and I’m sitting here crying because I’m trying to figure out who I was and how to fix a broken heart (it’s impossible to fix btw).  When you’ve given so much of yourself to someone else its practically torture when your on your own.  I feel like I just got told to fucking fly and I’m at the top of a million story building with nowhere to go.  You know what would fix all of this.. an apology and maybe some answers to my questions.. then I would feel 20 million times better.  But as of right now I’m still left abandoned.. shut out.. and still knowing that I’m not worth two shits… and this guy is gonna be a police officer.  The guy who does trifling shit to get at his ex.. the guy who cusses me out and says I act like a whore.. the guy who has a violent streak… he’s going to have authority to hold a gun and protect and serve the people.  Yet this guy can’t even be a good enough guy to say sorry or atleast tell his ex that he fucked up and he is sincere in his apology and why he did the shitty things he did.  I guess I’ll never know which is why I hang on to anything at all.  as of right now I’m trying to get rid of memories… and my brain doesn’t agree or like this what so ever.  I have a wonderful person who makes me smile, tells me I’m beautiful, does anything in his might to make sure I’m happy every second of everyday and I feel so selfish that I even cry over not getting closure when I could just get the fuck over it by the wonderful things I’m putting in my memory bank now.  I’m gonna be happy… no matter what it takes.. I  just wish I had all the answers.. which I will never have :/ today is gonna get better I’m spending a lot of time with my family they make me feel so loved and cared about I’m gonna hang out with my brother and take him to a car show because he is one of the only men in my life that I know will never disappoint me or intentionally try to hurt my feelings… or even hurt my feelings at all.  I’ll be back in a couple of days… this is my stress reliever besides alcohol.. which this is a lot healthier <3 

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It’s fixing..

"shes wonderful and nothing like you" (this was said to me about 2 months ago)

Above I posted a picture of pretty much my life except I’m on one week later.. when its been about 2 for me.  I’m feeling better already.. I’ve learned to heal somewhat and stop thinking about things about him that were great.. but rather things that were so shitty that hes done to me… which in the end is pretty much the whole relationship.  6/26- tomorrow is our anniversary.. and I thought this would be hard for me to not text him or think about it.. but to be honest.. when I write my book I will probably mark this as the day I got independence because I’m not going to text him and I will spend my anniversary happy by my damn self (or if I’m lucky someone else).  I don’t even think for one second he will remember its our anniversary.  I’m a girl so I remember everything important like that.  Funny thing is I didn’t even realize the date tomorrow until I sat down to write.. funny how everything comes together when I put my fingers on this keyboard.  I think I’ve come to realize honestly since the other weekend that I don’t need someone else to make me happy.. but it’s wonderful to have someone who listens, makes you smile, listens to you cry, tells you how beautiful you are every second they get, someone who snuggles and appreciates your kisses etc…. makes things 20 million times better. :) :) :) I really have been soul searching for a lot to maybe better myself.  Now heres to the quote I posted up there earlier… at first when I heard this I instantly started thinking.. “wow I’m that bad of a person”… “whats so wrong with me”… “he wants to be with another girl whose nothing like me”.. I should of known that this was really the end when he said this to me.. and I should of left him hanging right there.  Because there is NOTHING wrong with me.. and he was just ashamed to admit that he had fell for a girl who wouldn’t listen to him or conform to what he wanted.  My daddy doesn’t even tell me what to do… why should I have ever listened to a man I loved tell me what to do … that wasn’t my father.  I used to think guys had control issues because they wanted their woman they love to be safe… FALSOOOO. Guys control and tell you not to do things because they are insecure, selfish, and most likely cheating.  Which I know atleast 2 of these things for sure about my ex.  It’s okay for him to go out and get dressed up and get drunk, but not for me.  It’s cool if we hang out with HIS ex… but not mine.  It’s cool for him to ditch me for his friends.. but NOT ME FOR MINE.  I won’t keep rambling.. I used to get upset when I started writing this blog.. but now I’m just bittersweet… and sometimes I actually get angry.  Angry that I allow myself to get treated like this.. by guys.. friends.. and sometimes family.  I would give anyone my last dollar if they asked.. I would take the shirt of my back if someone was cold and needed it.. I would do so many things for SOOO many people that I care for.. and yet most of these people can return a text or a call or even make a fucking effort to be in my life… Sorry I’m so going off track but thats another thing I wanted to bring up in my blog.. not only my relationship with my ex but relationships with friends.. esp girls.  I automatically categorize myself as “the girl who has only guy friends”.. simply because I do not get along with girls.  Not that I don’t try but when it comes to friends.. I feel like I have to compete.. which I don’t esp when it comes to my friends.. other girls I don’t know is a different story.  Some how every girl I become friends with either tries to get with my boyfriends or who I like, talks shit behind my back, isn’t there when I need them too, and usually they only hit me up to go out.  I have tried and tried and tried to be friends with females.. it’s simply impossible.  I don’t think its in my genes to get along with girls.  I’m a great friend, and I can honestly say that.  Wanna know the truth, I’ll tell you it.  Want me to not try and get with the guy you even remotely like or text, I won’t.  Ever need me in a situation you need a lot of help and advice with, I’m there.  I am thankful for the handful of friends I do have and do get along great with.. They are the ones I truly know will always be there for me no matter what.  It’s amazing how me and one of my bestfriends from middle school still to this day have NEVER fought.. too bad she’s not a dude.. were would be perfect.. just saying haha.  The moral of me writing is simply me saying that I’m not going to change who I am.. but simply better myself as a person.  I cannot wait for the day until I see my ex outside of this small world I’m living in now and just be able to laugh and carry on like he doesn’t even exist… even though honestly I’m pretty sure I could do that now.. esp since what happened downtown.  I used to think I was miserable with him.. or miserable without him… but the miserable without him disappears.. it turns into “wow, I am soooo much better off and happy”.. sometimes If I look through my laptop or phone or texts between us I get like a hard heartbeat going but I think its more or less that I’m really done.  It’s just a little flutter in my heart I guess cause I will always love him.. but not be in love with him.  let me tell you falling in love is soooo much easier than falling out.  More or less my blog today was to vent.. and to tell everyone that I am happy with who I am.  If my ex doesn’t like it, females, “friends”, or even family, they can get over it because  I’m not changing.

<— my favorite quote.

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why is HE reading my blog…

did you read the title… trust me I was pretty shocked when I heard this too… and no I’m not lying I wish I was.

Yesterday was a little rocky for me as a I said I had a moment of weakness and the rest of my day was kind of a blur.  Today I woke up kind of achy just because I didn’t sleep so well.. but hell when do I ever sleep well lately.  I used to think that staying by myself and crying would make things better but actually surrounding myself with tons of people and things I love to do make every thing a lot easier I don’t think about as nearly as much and have actually come to the realization that I’m not the one needing to be on meds.. he probably is.  I was told today to text a female who I was once friends with to talk to her about something.. of course something concerning my ex.. which at first I was kinda aggravated because this female tried to get with my ex fiance the first time we broke up and she was supposed to be my friend… then I came the the realization that I should listen to what she has to say.  I didn’t text her, one of her friends texted her for me and she just  wanted to say sorry to me and let me know that my ex.. had for a fact.. been reading my blog.  Now at this point I’m still a lil aggravated that my ex texts a girl he swore he would never text anymore but I’m relieved as to know that he is actually thinking about me… What I don’t understand is why is he reading this.. why does he want to know how I feel when he already knows.. he knows hes crushed me.. he knows he won.. and he knows that I am gone.. so why does he make himself present in my life.  He was once my life he knows everything I am writing about so why the fuck does he want to read it?  He hasn’t tried to get in contact with me and I’m glad that he hasn’t.. what about my blog makes him what to read it I keep saying this over and over… I think he honestly probably gets off to the fact that I’m writing about him.. that I’m sitting here pouring my heart and he’s either sitting back laughing at my sentences shaking his head saying “that bitch is crazy, I never did any of that, I was a great guy to her”… or he might of realized how fucked up he had been to me.. I’m leaning more towards “wow that never happened”.. “shes lying”.. type of thing he is  saying reading my blog.  As I stated before I am NOT perfect and NOR did I do everything perfect in our relationship.. but I had never done HALF or even a THIRD of the evil.. spiteful shit he has done to me..as in texting my friends first.. (he would respond you texted my friends)… BUT he did it FIRST in our relationship.. and to be honest most of his friends texted me… Hanging out with someone I swore to him I never would put myself around again.. which hes done.. not me.. and this person tried to ruin our relationship.. kissed another guy right in front of him.. which hes done to me… except with a girl of course.. I don’t think I would be as upset if it were a guy haha.  I honestly don’t know what would drive him to want to read this.. most of my friends say wow “hes fucking sick in the head” and I know I wouldn’t want to read any of the things hes saying about me because they would all be terrible probably untrue things.  Can any of you think as to why he would want to read my blog? he has to know that I would write about mostly bad things because those are the most traumatic to me.. esp from our relationship.  All I can say is I know that hes thinking about me.. So I guess I got one thing I wanted.. but this is how it always happens… I stop caring.. and he starts to magically start caring and acting like he’s completely back in love with me and will do everything for me.. I guess thats why hes trying to make a point to tell people how hes feeling about me so I will find out.. Well if he’s reading this.. as he would say it’s over and its been over… I’m slowly realizing that any other guy would be SO lucky for me to be with them.. I’ve been told atleast 30 times in the past 3 days all the things guys would treat me like and how they would love for me to be there girl.  I’m actually seeming to look forward to meeting new guys to spend time with.. I really want to learn to open up and maybe even learn to trust again.  Maybe even find my new bestfriend, who loves every second they are with me until the day they die.  I’m not saying the next guy I date with be mr. right or my future husband.. but hopefully they will be better than the past.. and thats all I can hope for.  I’m learning to forgive more… Like the female i was talking about earlier.. she said sorry and even though I didn’t text her.. when I get my head straight I will to let her know that I do forgive her.  I have two last things to add to my blog today.. “always forgive, never forget”.. and one of the things I was told the first or second day of my blog is “always smile, never stop smiling, because you never know who could be falling in love with your smile.” 

one more thing.. I’m getting dinner made for me tonight.. for the first time ever :)

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Trying to catch my breath..

above is one of the last conversations with my ex telling me he loved me.. and not even from a month ago.  He’s the bubble in the gray and I’m the pathetic girl trying to say I’m heartbroken…

I am truly blessed to have strangers telling me they read my blog and sharing their stories and giving me hope that someone, sometime, somewhere will come along and appreciate everything my ex didn’t.  I can count over 50 people who have messaged me and none of them have said anything negative which makes things that much better.  I’m thrilled that people actually love and relate to my blog which is why I keep writing in it.  I just want everyone to know that I do not hate my ex nor do I consider this bashing him.. because this is not my intent.  I never thought in a million years I would share my private thoughts and feelings and my personal life with complete strangers so they could completely get to see who I am.  But honestly writing this blog makes me feel better.. It makes me feel great to know that people want to help me and like to know how I’m feeling. 

Today I had a moment of weakness driving in my car.. miranda lambert came on and I instantly pictured in my mind my ex dancing with this girl downtown like she was the only girl in the world staring in her eyes and not giving two shits that I was about 3 people away.  Then I got atleast 5 texts back to back wondering how my day was going and was I okay.. I instantly had a sigh of relief thinking don’t be upset because to him being just 1 person there was atleast 5 to 10 people if not more sincerely wondering if I was okay.  I want everyone to know that when things were bad with my ex they were really bad.. but when things were good they were really good.. as I call Euphoria.  I think I constantly hold on to these wonderful memories of us not only being in love but being best friends.  I want to cry thinking how good things used to be but I’m trying not to live in the past.  The first time my ex wanted to tell me he loved me we were watching fireworks at the diamond on the fourth of july about a month or so after we started “officially dating”.  Wanna know how he asked me out? HE DIDN’T. haha I asked him out.. we were at my cousins wedding when I caught the bouquet after she threw it drunk as shit on Budweiser because they ran out of bud light.  We were driving home from my cousins wedding party when I drunkenly asked him “so what are we?”.. he replied Idk you tell me… I said well your mine.. he said oh really I said yea your my boyfriend, do you want to be my boyfriend? lol he said yes.  From that day on me and my ex spent every waking moment together that we could.  He used to work on cars for a living before trying to become a police officer most of the time I would try to come visit him at work and he spent the night with me every night because I was always at my mothers house alone.  My ex could read my mind from where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to eat, and even when I was about to say I love you.  My ex dedicated two songs to me and everytime I hear them I think I’m at a funeral and my bestfriend is dead laying in a casket and I can’t get up to look at them.  These songs are “love like crazy” and “you dont know her like I do”.. these are country songs so I wouldnt expect a lot of strangers to know these.  But these songs give me chills when they come on.. I get this really over whelming I want to cry feeling and most of the time I do.  It sucks when you do everything with someone because everything then reminds you of them.  My ex and I had such amazing times and when i kissed him I thought the world had stopped.. when he held me I thought nothing could touch me.. and when I used to cry he used to actually listened… (pause) I’m crying.. ugh. Wanna know why I broke up with him the first time.. which ruined us forever.. we had a puppy together.. his name was capone my pitbull love<3 I miss him.. we had to go get him dog food and I was not feeling so well laying on the couch.. my ex texted me saying hey can you go get capone dog food I said I dont feel so well can you.. or can you come get me and we can together? he then began to tell me how fucking lazy I was because I didn’t want to get up and go get dog food.. because I didn’t feel well… at this moment.. this is when I realized that he was going to start the name calling and controlling.. so I made my facebook status “in a relationship” to “its complicated”. he instantly rejoiced and put single.. un friended me and starting adding girls like crazy and doing everything in his might to go to parties and take pictures with girls on his lap.. and writing things on him and being obviously drunk with a bunch of girls around.. I started to thing I had made the wrong choice so i fought and fought and even took my ex flowers to his work and apologized.. THIS WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE… so we got back together… then after the break up he got even more controlling… “delete your facebook”.. “don’t go out in highheels and dresses”.. “don’t go out with your friends your friends are whores”.. “dont have any internet sites.. no twitter.. no tumbler nothing”… “who are you texting”.. “why are you fucking texting him”.. “who is he”.. “where are you”… “oh really your there fuck you”…”don’t text me unless your coming over my house not going out”.. etc.. You know my ex would never dance with me or even introduce me to people in public.. like whats so wrong with me?  I started feeling ashamed of myself.. he didn’t even like me wearing makeup.. not because he liked me all natural but he didn’t want me to accentuate my beauty at all… “heels make you ass pop up”.. “your makeup makes you look like a whore”… “your ass is hanging out of your skirt”… nothing ever appreciative.. like I wish he would of told me how beautiful I was like at the beginning of our relationship.. He used to ask me all the time.. why don’t you wanna have sex… well why do I wanna have sex with someone who just told me how good i DIDN’T look.. made me self conscious.. insecure.. and deff not in the mood.  I think this is when other girls came into the picture.. he put a lock on his phone.. wouldn’t let me see his phone just to even look at a picture… he hid his phone.. he started going out more.. and of course I couldn’t come… our relationship the last year had just spiraled…more lies… more sneaky shit… less seeing each other.. and then on a monday night I told my bestfriend I would go with her to a bar… ON A MONDAY NIGHT… and he texted me and told me “your friends are always more important than me, if you go to the bar tonight we are no longer together”… I told him I’m going.. he then texted me all night telling me that if I really gave a shit about our relationship I would be with him and not with my bestfriend and If I loved him I would be there and not at a bar.  But I didn’t break up when he went out with his friends or wanted to do something with his friends… He said that we had made a “pact” to “not go out”… which we had.. but we could together but he never wanted to.. I just didn’t see how having a beer with my bestfriend sitting at a bar on a monday night would be considered “going out”.  I didnt even dress up? wore jeans and a guess tshirt.  Now I wish I didn’t go out and drink my weight in alcohol and end up heaving blood in a parking lot of a bar… not healthy.  I’m just so scared of reality… literally terrified.. of feeling this pain I feel and what’s to come.  I would rather get fucked up and not feel anything.. and thats pretty scary too..  My friends are so worried I’m going to hurt myself wasted its not funny.  I’m gonna stop drinking so much.. because it numbs the pain until I’m by myself and my phone is right beside me and its so easy to just send my ex a picture or an email saying how hurt and drunk and dying I am without him… I know thats exactly what he wants to hear.. I know its boosting his ego that his ex is a pathetic 21 year old that goes out almost every night of the week to get fucked up and text him.  I just don’t understand in my mind why I would even want to speak to a person who has done any of this to me… I guess i will never know to be honest.. I just know that I want to make myself the best I can be.. and I want to learn to slowly love and trust again.. because right now I don’t even know if I trust myself.  as I said before I focus my days on trying not to cry and distracting myself to wear I don’t think about anything.. because whether its good or bad memories they all make me cry.. some worse than others… I know I can never be with him ever again.. but what if he did half the shit I did for him one day.. wrote me a letter saying how sorry and hurt he was.. left it on my car like i did.. or bringing me flowers and candy to my job like i did.. show up at my house to say sorry.. for something I didnt even do.. like i did… I just want an apology.. an honest “Josie, you meant everything to me and I know that I messed things up and I’m sorry”.. but I know that will never happen.  My ex has no heart.. and I know this for a fact.. he used to.. or maybe it was just a front.  If your friend of his reading my blog all I can hope is that he even mentions my name and any time of feelings he has towards me.  I don’t think he does.. I actually know he doesn’t.. because he has too much pride to even act like he could care about a girl he was once in love with.  So to sum this up.. I’m giving up.. not on my blog.. but trying to have any feelings about my ex.. good or bad.. I’m going to let a guy find me and sweep me off my feet one of these days.. until then I’m gonna learn to love myself and be as carefree as I used to be.. and right now that would mean I need all the friends I can get….