….. why is it that I’m still feeling like this.. why is it that I was the one who got hurt and cheated on and he’s completely fine.. why did I never get a sorry… why after a year and some time am I still finding myself resorting to things that upset me knowing they do.. and most of all why do I still care?
I could ask myself many more questions.. this input in my blog just isn’t about my ex but multiple things in my life that I find myself asking why to. A lot of these things I will NEVER get an answer to and I think that it what bothers me the most. The unknown and the reasoning as to human beings do things so hurtful to others and can’t even take one second to tell them sorry and mean it.
I knon you are reading this thinking “GODDAMN, is she REALLY still talking about this, does she not know how to get the fuck over things”… well I obviously don’t and you obviously have no compassion if you’re reading my blog and thinking these things/judging me. I write this to feel better and to give others an understanding as to how I think/feel on a day where my emotions are just to much that I have to write them down. I’ve never been really good explaining my emotions to people in person, but writing them down sets me for for just a little while.
If you all haven’t read my other posts then I’ll give you another insight on what I’ve been dealing with the past year or so… I was engaged, I got abused (physically and mentally), I was cheated on, was told to fuck off, been dealing with depression and all that comes with it, tried moving on but can’t, I’ve been in emotional ties with people I would love to beat the shit out of, and most of all a lot of alcohol.
People would never guess how deep of a person I am, but I am. My heart yearns for another human being to understand and love me as I am. Ever since I was little I’ve dreamed of this fairy tale love.. the kind of love you see in movies, the kind of love you read/write about.. and the kind of love my grandparents have through 50 plus years of marriage. I know you think I’m crazy or stupid but I thought I had this about 3 years ago. I met this guy we became best friends did everything together.. we both loved cars, and laughing and being stupid, and finallly I asked him what we were.. we both loved each others company SO much that I didn’t want to stand him spending time with someone else.. to me he was perfect. We started dating on the day my cousin got married and I actually caught her bouquet that day. Sorry if it takes me a min to write this part I’m crying because I’m so sadden that I have to say this was.. or we were or anything with past tense because it should have never been this way and it hurts my feelings. On this day I knew, I just knew this boy would change my life forever. When I had NO friends, wasn’t speaking with my mom, was depressed because of things going on in my life… he was all I had. I was such a lucky girl to think my boyfriend is my best friend.. I couldn’t stop thinking about him I wanted to spend every waking moment with him I wanted to sleep beside him and wake up in the morning… I needed his presence.. I needed him. I mean we finished each others sentences and could even know what each other was thinking. Now like all other relationships time goes back you still love everything about that person but you become a little more comfortable and care free and you both start doing some things on your own and know that you come home to each other at night or are going to see each other as soon as each other is done with whatever you are doing. Usually after people get engaged things get back to how they were and you are more excited to spend the rest of your life with someone… but not me.. I was confused I had everything planned and he just seemed more and more like he was slipping away and becoming someone I had never knew.. this guy I had fell in love with.. madly in love with.. started changing and shutting me out of his life.. every time I gave him a little more space he seemed to take it then run back to me missing me.. I just figured we had been together you know people just get a little scared or nervous of how they feel or of this huge commitment.. I wasn’t scared.. I was ready to be with him the rest of my life.. and he used to tell me all the time “Josie I love you I will never leave you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I’ll never hurt you or break your heart I swear”… if that wasn’t the biggest pile of bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life. I noticed things in our relationship were getting worse.. he was yelling at me.. telling me how trashy or whore-ish I looked in dresses or certain clothing.. he would get in my face and yell at me… pushed me.. and even jerked me up one night in public at a bar and told me I was going home with him.. when I was sober and drinking water just so I could be downtown for my friends birthday. Then as more time went by he started going out more and doing things with out me.. he started more fights and even almost through his phone at me one day for finding a twitter account I had made (I wasn’t allowed to have facebook or anything while i was with him) he made an ass of himself and broke his phone like an idiot on his console of his car. A couple months later he got into the police academy I was so excited for him.. I was called and told private investigator how wonderful of a person he was and that I loved him and couldn’t picture my life without him. He was happy I helped him with his homework and everything.. not knowing that him going to the academy would be the end of us. I just learned about the next thing I’m about to tell you.. but he met someone in the academy. I had no idea.. he was cheating on me with her the whole time he was in there.. so a good 6 months of cheating.. (and I just learned this)… Now I know you all know the rest of the story.. but when I said why all I got was a FUCK OFF JOSIE.
"FUCK OFF JOSIE"
someone who I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with just completely ruined my trust.. crushed my soul and my heart at the same time.. and all he could say was fuck off? This forever has changed me and I used to think might have been the death of me.
If you feel no remorse for me then you have no soul. I am one of the kindest, thoughtful, sensitive people you will ever meet.
so why? why after over a year do I think about this? Why can’t I just “fuck off” and get the fuck over it? I mean I’m over him I never want to be with him again but WHY THE FUCK DO I STILL CARE. Why when I see him do I get this big bulge in my throat where I feel like I want to cry, scream, do anything. Why does that feeling I felt that day carry over into certain situations. Every time I try to start something with someone if i don’t feel that feeling I felt for him I give up.. every time someone says something hurtful I resort back to what he has done. I know I cannot compare other guys to him but I want that feeling again… I want to love indescribably and be in euphoria with my best friend where nothing in this world can touch me? I’m worried I’ll never find this again..I’m worried what he has done to me has ruined me.. ruined me from love. It really scares me that I am going to end up alone.. please don’t laugh.. It’s a phobia of mine. That I’ll end up with all my family dead and no other half no soul mate to comfort me.. and I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen women who are beautiful inside and out, great careers, so caring and completely lovable.. end up alone… no children no nothing. I was watching katy perry’s document the other day and started crying because she too has this dream of this “unrealistic love” and she also is a hopeless romantic… like myself. I know you all think I’m crazy or I need to lower my standards.. but I don’t.. and I never will. What he has done has changed me in so many ways I don’t think anyone will ever understand how I feel. If you haven’t felt what I’ve felt you have no idea. I feel like this lost soul wandering around on this hell of an earth.. and even when there’s a room full of people I feel more alone than ever. No one seems to relate to me except the few good friends I have.. No guy ever understands my reasoning’s for things… Like why I don’t like having sex unless were exclusive.. even if we’ve talked forever.. or why I shun people out when they get too close.. or why I stop talking to you when you make one comment that seems to rub me the wrong way… I’M SCARED. I’m scared of being hurt again I’m scared of being let down.. fuck I’m so scared that I’ll never be able to love again that I just kinda let it disappear. Ever since I was a child people esp men have let me down in my life… my dad, my guy friends, my boyfriends.. all of them… all of them were supposed to never hurt me and they did.. and still continue to. I know people think I need to change.. but why? Why should I have to fucking change? I love who I am as a person why change it or put on a fake front to get someone? I may not be the most lady like or the most beautiful or the most intelligent girl but I know there are things about me that guys would love… and not just my physical appearance.. thats another thing that bothers me.. I’m so sick of guys wanting me for just my body.. and now your thinking well dont dress like that or dont do the things you do…. but other girls do it.. and act wayyyyy worse than I do.. whats wrong with dressing up… anything I will ever wear will show my shape unless I dress like a nun which I guess I should start doing… maybe a lot of girls would not hate me as much either. FUCK THAT. I am who I am and I feel like I have nothing I need to change about me… I am who I am through life experiences, hardships, and good times. I’ve kind of gotten off topic here but where we were at
hopeless crazy romantic love.
I want this… more than anything. I sound stupid.. so what I want to be able to feel that again without being scared, I want to let someone in without thinking they are going to leave, I want someone who is going to promise things and mean them. I want everything he wasn’t.. but I want the way I felt with him. I want notes on my car.. and flowers for no reason.. I want to have a surprise dinner made for me and him there to talk to me no matter whats going on or for how long. I want to introduce him to my family and know that he’s gonna stay around. I want sweet, cute, caring. I want to be able to fall in love again.. unconditional, best friend, forever and ever, growing old together love.